If you read Part 1 of this blog post, we explored how mainstream media and the lack of queer relationship representation can impact the process of understanding your sexuality.
In order to find our true attraction, and to keep finding it as we grow and evolve, we have to get clear on what the experience of attraction or desire actually feels like in our body. We can do this by having a regular Desire Check-In with ourselves, perhaps once a month or when we’re noticing new feels we’re trying to sort out.
1️⃣ Find a position that’s comfortable to hold for several minutes (sitting with back support, laying down, etc) and wiggle around until you’re as comfortable as you can be.
2️⃣ Take this opportunity to shut down the eyes or bring a soft gaze on an unmoving point in your space, and then take a moment to feel for what’s underneath you, the support of the surface your body is on or against, and feel for gravity holding you here in this moment.
3️⃣ Take a moment to feel for your breath, without trying to change anything. Just noticing how your breath is flowing through your body in this moment. Where it’s coming from, where it might be going. Spend some time with your breath, gently bringing your mind back to your breath if it wonders without judgement.
4️⃣ After spending some time with your breath, consider the experience of Desire. This can be desire for anything; a new clothing item, a certain meal, a kiss from someone, a new experience, a cold glass of water on a hot day - anything that comes to mind.
5️⃣ Spend some time connecting with the experience of desire for whatever’s come to your mind. How does it feel in your body?
6️⃣ Notice any particular sensations in your body (perhaps in your throat, your chest, your belly, your pelvis), any sensations, colours, shapes, images that arise. Just get curious about everything that comes with your experience of desire in your body. Notice where it starts, where it stops, if it has a temperature or a texture or an element (fire/air/earth/water) associated with it. Get really curious about this full experience.
7️⃣ Spend some time here with your experience of desire, this is how your true desire feels. This is your true desire. Continue being with this experience until you feel super sure about how it feels in your body so you could recall it whenever you choose.
8️⃣ When you feel confident you’ve gathered all the information available about your desire, you can slowly feel for what’s under you again, and gravitate your awareness back into your space.
9️⃣ Gently wiggle around or stretch and let some light back into your eyes.
When we approach our desire from this place of absolute certainty of how it feels in our body, we can often start to feel more confident about what’s true or not for us when it comes to our attraction.
Outside of comp-het narratives telling us what we should be attracted to, if we have a firm sense of how attraction feels for us, we can use this as our guide to who and what we’re attracted to.
And it will most likely change and evolve and grow, as we learn more about the world, as we change and evolve and grow. The change is not to be feared or frustrated with, but rather to get curious about from our true attraction place. If we know what this feels like for us, then what we learn or witness in the world that causes us to question our attraction can always be brought back to this feeling.
➡ Is this like my true attraction?
➡ What feels similar or different about this?
➡ Am I attracted to this because I think I should be, or because of how it feels in my body?
➡ What have I learned about myself from this experience?
➡ What have I learned recently that has caused me to question my attraction?
➡ What do I know for sure about my attraction?
Written by Taylor Neal
Embodied Counsellor and Trainee Sexologist