A major fear when engaging in receptive anal sex (bottoming) is that it’s going to hurt. Though I can’t say for sure, this message was likely used as a homophobic fear tactic to prevent people from engaging in anal sex.
In fact, a 2016 study analyzing 2013 data found that roughly 30% of hetero women and 35% of hetero men had engaged in anal sex in the last year.
It can be uncomfortable at times, particularly for those who are new or inexperienced. But as with most things, you learn as you go. Such is life. However, there are things you can do to assist in making things more comfortable as you learn. And with these tips below, you will be a power bottom in no time.
The time it takes for the anal hole or muscle to relax before it will welcome penetration depends on the individual. For some, relaxation can occur within a few minutes, while others might require 15 to 30 minutes or more. This timespan can be influenced by a number of factors including experience level, stress level and physical prep––the last of which we will cover next.
You will find with time that the muscles begin to relax, and penetration becomes much, much easier.
Buy yourself some toys and comfortably learn about anal sex without any pressure from a partner. It’s best to start with a toy the size of a finger, and as it becomes more comfortable, graduate to the size of your next toy by a finger, or if you’re feeling ambitious, a finger and a half.
Note that all anal-safe toys must contain a flared base that is significantly larger than the toy. This is because beyond the sphincter muscles, your booty behaves like a vacuum and will suck whatever you put up there straight up your butt, where it would need to be retrieved by a doctor. A flared base prevents the toy from going too far.
There are even anal training kits available that come with three toys of graduated sizes to guide you through the process. Similar to training kits, Dilators are another good idea, as they also come in graduate sizes.
The "dipstick technique" involves gently inserting a liberally lubricated anal-safe toy into the anus. This method aims to make penetration more comfortable as you can warm up the inside muscles prior to partnered play.
But that’s not all. The dipstick technique may also prevent you from douching (if you choose to do so, as it isn’t necessary) since the technique kind of functions like a toothpick when checking whether a cake is fully baked. If the toy comes out clean, you’re good to go. If it doesn’t, you might want to hop in the shower.
Using a quality lubricant reduces friction and prevents discomfort, two major causes of hemorrhoids and tearing, as the anal skin is very thin.
To help in your search for your ideal lube, here are some pros and cons to each:
There are some oil-based lubes which can be moisturizing and long-lasting, but they break down latex condoms and can create a risk of bacterial infections if used internally over time.
Saliva also has a tendency to dry quickly, and it actually makes the area dryer than if you hadn’t used spit at all. Some STIs, like oral gonorrhea and oral chlamydia, can be passed through spit as well.
So, while lube can help protect the skin on your anus, if you’re trying anal with a partner, you’ll want to wrap it up to protect against all STI’s. In short, don’t rely solely on only spit. It can definitely be hot to incorporate but combine it with lube and condoms.
Consent is an ongoing process and hot af! You can say to your top, “I’m ready for you,” or “Can you put it in?”. Your top can check in with you by asking, “Is this too fast? Are you in pain? We can go slower till your ready.”
Allowing time for your body, mind, and muscles to adjust and letting go of any nerves is vital for getting past the feeling of it going in for the first time.
Breathing through each stroke, kissing, and engaging in other soft play can all help relax your anal muscles before you're truly ready. Fact is, we aren’t taught about anal sex the way we are other forms of sex, so it’s natural not to know these things, and make mistakes along the way.
Written by: Bobby Box