The dating world is wild – whether you you’re looking for love, casual sex, or something in between. But in the midst of it all, how do you discuss dating while positive?
Your people are your homebase. Homebase is the one place you can return to time and time again, even if it’s been a while. This type of connection is not built overnight, but finding a trusted support system can be particularly important when you’re dating. The hope is that your people can be there for you when you need to talk out the nerves of dating and debrief the anxious (or exciting!)thoughts that come up after a date. Your people might be on the discord, in a reddit thread, down the street, or someplace else. There’s no one-size-fits-all on how or where to find your chosen family (or chosen people). The only qualifier is that you can turn to them in moments of need (and vice versa).
To disclose, or not to disclose. That is the question.
Truth be told, when all is said and done, the choice to disclose is entirely up to you. This is one part of the journey you have full agency over. Let’s go over some things to consider when deciding whether or not to share your status when dating:
How well do you know or trust the people you’d like to disclose to? Are you worried they might become physically or verbally violent upon disclosure? If this is the case, you might decide against disclosing and that’s completely ok.
On the other hand, you might be unsure about these pieces but want to approach your safety, proactively. Disclosing in public spaces like parks or coffee shops can provide a layer of comfort. Letting a trusted friend know where you’re going and asking them to check-in at a certain time can add to that comfort.
Do you trust this person with your feelings? Sharing your status can feel really personal, and that fear of being vulnerable can be hard to shake. It can help to dip your toes into vulnerability before jumping straight in. Try testing out emotional security with this partner by telling them something personal but less vulnerable to see how they respond. If this feels a little too steep, you can also consider a little disclosure role play with a friend. Get to know the feelings that come up for you during a role play. Practice how to work with them. This is a little tool called, ‘coping ahead’.
Maybe you’ve thought, “I want to disclose, but I’m not sure when to do it". Well, let’s look at both sides of the coin:
Putting it off – Maybe now doesn’t feel like the right time. That’s ok! Listen to your gut. Just be sure to consider the impact delaying disclosure may have on your relationship(s). Keeping secrets can make partners feel deceived and as though you’ve taken their choice away. This can have impacts on relationship stability, and sometimes results in its end. Choosing this option also means choosing to be okay with potentially unwanted outcomes.
Getting it out of the way – Maybe it’s important for you to disclose sooner rather than later. Just be sure to consider your ‘why’ so that you know this is a choice – YOUR choice. Disclosing early on can set a foundation of trust. Disclosing early can also help make sure you’re not wasting your own time.
The brain processes rejection similarly to how it processes physical pain. We also know the more we avoid something, the scarier it feels.
Powerful research has shown us that when we flip off rejection by fighting back against the parts of us that internalize it, the connections in our brain responsible for this sort of self-criticism become weaker and literally begin to die off. This process is called neuroplasticity and synaptic pruning.
Flipping off rejection allows us to find our inner badass and reminds us we are deserving of love. You are not defined by your medical chart.
You get the final say on who is or isn’t allowed into your life. At some point, after much trial and error, we begin to attract folx who empower and support us. We learn to say sayonara to the ones who didn’t give us a chance.
Finding this part of ourselves is never easy.
A therapist, trusted friends, and even YouTube can provide tons of support with this.
Former Sexfluent Squad Member @MylesSexton consistently shows us how to live and embody this to the fullest. Blogs from Sexfluent’s past can guide you through prevention, PrEP, and U=U.
Consider building yourself a Safer Sex Kit to keep nearby in case things get hot and steamy on your next date. These kits might include condoms, dental dams, baby wipes, and even gloves (these can be turned into dams!).
Clinic Owner at Ayssa Scipio Counselling and Consulting