Everyone’s experience is different, but for many queer people coming out remains a daunting emotional hurdle. I speak from experience.
Our society often assumes people are straight and cisgender, which can cause queer identities to be viewed as “different.” This then creates pressure for queer individuals to reveal parts of themselves that others never have to explain. This doesn’t mean we have to come out, it just makes us feel like we do, regardless of whether it is for empowerment or simply recognition.
Some people find acceptance within themselves, and don’t feel the need to come out to anyone. Others feel it’s important to try and make people, especially family, accept AND understand them. If you resonate with the latter, I know your struggle. My family is extremely important to me and coming out to them, and anticipating the response that would follow, had become a lingering source of anxiety.
For me, the hardest part of coming out was dissolving my expectation that my family would immediately understand my identity in its entirety, and instead hoping to develop a semblance of understanding over time to meet my expectation of acceptance.
My parents are first-generation South Asian immigrants, and come from a world where queer acceptance is still limited. In many South Asian households, open conversations surrounding queerness are infrequent and often silenced. Growing up, I didn’t see many examples of queerness in my community, in my familial life and my hometown in general.
I desperately wanted them to. I just wasn’t sure they could.
The dread concealed within me emerged when, during an argument, I came out to them in a panic-driven explanation of my identity and my desire to be understood.
There was silence, then tears, then acceptance.
In a moment, all of my past dismay seemed to vanish. Looking back, I didn’t need them to understand me completely. I just needed them to accept me. It is a very difficult distinction to make between the two, but I believe in the power of discussion, hence these words you see here today. It can be easy to catastrophize and conceive the worst possible outcomes when visualizing coming out to those close to you. Remember, coming out is a bid for connection, not a necessity to exist authentically.
I also recognize the privilege that exists in my experience; at times neither understanding nor acceptance is present in these conversations.
Coming out can affect people in very different ways. For some, it can bring relief from internalized shame. For others, it can create a loss of support and a need for new and safe environments.
From my experience, the moments after coming out can feel awkward and uncertain. The initial connection has been built with whomever you have just come out to. The walls have crumbled, and that transparency is there—even if it feels inconsistent. This itself is a good place to be!
Once you have a semblance of understanding, you can work toward improving understanding over time.This process is deeply personal. The time it takes to achieve a state of understanding that feels fulfilling depends on the individual and the relationship they have with the person they’ve just come out to. This person is now seeing you in a whole new light and you can help them better understand you while remaining true to who you are
I hope these words reach someonewho needs them.
“Coming out” is a journey,certainly not without its obstacles, but by creating a space of relief from the chronic stress and internal negotiations of living within the confines of the closet, you can truly traverse your life as the most authentic version of yourself.
*If you or someoneyou know is struggling with mental health, immediate help is available 24/7. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline) for free, confidential support. For immediate danger, call 9-1-1. You can also contact a doctor, mental health professional, or local crisis team for support.
Written by Sam Makkar, Sexfluent Squad Member and Community Builder