The way that having a crush seems to add a little sparkle to our worlds—even for a moment—often has us getting excited about the little things, like seeing their name pop up on our phones, those little glances they give us from across the room, creating playlists for them, and sharing parts of ourselves that we might not otherwise give much air-time to in our day-to-day lives.
Crushing inspires us to reconnect with things that make us unique. It also inspires us to notice and find joy in the small things, especially when we’re charged with that flirty, erotic energy throughout the day.
There is a very subtle difference between excited energy and down right nervous energy, and sometimes this extra attention to detail—picking our outfits knowing we’ll see them, wanting to come off a certain way, trying to show the best parts of ourselves—can be anxiety-inducing rather than joyous.
Sometimes too, crushing can sweep us away into the land of fantasy so intensely that we loose touch with reality. We might make decisions we wouldn’t otherwise, say or do things that are quite out of character, switch-up our priorities in order to align more with our crush, andin many other ways get kind of lost in the crush experience.
But crushing is a beautiful, rich part of navigating sexuality and our human desire for love and closeness that can inspire the playfulness, pleasure, and presence that is so essential to feeling a sense of erotic aliveness within ourselves. So how do we harness the joy without getting carried away by anxiety, losing our sense of self, or jumpingin a U-Haul?
Because crushing is already such a dreamy, imaginative experience, it’s important to take extra good care of our nervous systems through the journey.
Being able to maintain a regulated nervous system (aka staying grounded) is a skill that comes with intentional practice, selfcare, and awareness of our bodies.
This might sound less exciting than getting swept up in the lust and glitter of a new crush, and it might be less "Hollywood"—I’ll admit that. But practicing to stay grounded and regulated when crushing is in no way less romantic or less sparkly, it’s simply more intentional.
It also brings the potential for more pleasure, joy, connection and romance in the long term, because when we’re able to stay regulated, we’re able to make clearer decisions. We’re also more able to stay present with our experiences as we have them rather than tuning out and thinking about all the “what ifs” that come with having this new crush, and missing the pleasure of the moment.
We often feel a sense of urgency when we have a new crush.
We want them to notice us, to text us back right away, to be the first to like our posts or swipe up on our stories. We want to see them often, and we often want things to progress at a pace set by our fantasies.
That hunger or craving tells us, “I need this now!”—and convinces us that things happening fast means things are going well.
Really, a lot of this urgency is connected to the world we live in that prioritizes speed and efficiency over presence and pleasure. And of course, as previously mentioned, the media has a lot to do with our idea of peak romance being linked to fast-paced connections and high intensity lust.
But this sense of urgency causes a more up-regulated nervous system (hyperarousal, or triggering your fight or flight) which means our bodies are sending signals to our brains that there is a threat present. This often happens on a subconscious level when we’re feeling stressed about something (such as the length of time it’s been since they texted back) and the threat then becomes, “What if they don’t like me?”—or what we might call, abandonment.
With the very basic human fear of abandonment present in our systems, we enter some degree of our fight/flight mode (hyperarousal), and this causes us to feel hijacked by the experience of having a crush, rather than calm and in control.
Faster isn’t always better when we’re crushing, and when we give our nervous systems a chance to catch up with our hearts, we often find more truth about how we’re actually feeling, what we actually want and need, and how to balance crushing with the other priorities we have in our lives.
There are many ways we can work to support a more regulated nervous system when dating and offer ourselves check-points throughout the process to help us maintain a sense of agency and control, and also keep crushing.
1. Check-ins with a trusted friend: Give one of your trusted friends permission to hold you accountable while you’re crushing, and ask to have scheduled check-ins during the process so they might reflect to you whether or not you seem grounded. The key to this is to remember that they have your best interests at heart, so when they might reflect something to you that doesn’t feel great, try to breathe through it, and take the observation with curiosity rather than defensiveness.
2. Breathe: At any opportunity when crushing, adding a couple deep breaths before responding or making decisions can go a long way! Pro tip: lengthen your exhale longer than your inhale for 5-10 breaths to help down-regulate your nervous system (calm you down) and bring you back to balance… and then decide if you send the block-paragraph text.
3. Take X amount of time to respond to texts: Decide on a length of time that feels good/right for you to take before responding to texts. This might be just enough time to take 3 deep breaths, or maybe it’s 15 minutes, so you can have a chance to check in with how you’re feeling or think about your reply. Maybe it’s 6 hours because you’re working on releasing urgency! However long you decide, hold yourself accountable to it. If they ask why you take so long, say you’re practicing grounding before responding because you want to be able to show up authentically to the conversation… that’s hot.
4. Try not to change your priorities for them: I’m serious! When we’re crushing, it can be so tempting to wipe our calendars clean to prioritize seeing them whenever we can, but your plans, your commitments, your self care, and your other relationships are very important, and it's important to maintain your own self-care routines even when you have a new crush. If they’re into you, they’ll accommodate your schedule!
5. Turn notifications off: We can easily find ourselves staying up all night and losing sleep texting/snapping our crush, which then impacts our sleep and how we feel during the day. Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” at a certain time each night so you’re not losing sleep texting them. You can let them know that you do this as well so they know why you’re not responding.
6. Prioritize your hobbies: The things that bring you joy and make you feel good about yourself are extremely important to prioritize when crushing for many reasons. Firstly, it’s important to stay connected to your joy without them to remind yourself that you are capable of loving yourself regardless of how the relationship pans out.
7. Body scans: To know how we’re actually feeling about ourselves and this other person when crushing, regular body scans help us maintain awareness of what it’s like for us to be in relationship with this new person. Start at the crown of your head and scan your awareness down to your toes to get a sense of what’s happening in your body before, during, or after a date, before making decisions (like running away together), and whenever a new piece of information about them is revealed.
8. Reflect after dates: This one is easily skipped over, but taking the time to reflect and/or debrief after dates either alone or with a friend can really help bring clarity to how we feel about the date, how things went, anything that’s sitting with us, and how we might progress.
9. Journaling: Another great way to reflect after dates is to journal about it, but this doesn’t just have to be for right after you see them. Building a consistent journaling practice (in the morning or before bed)can be great for staying connected to how you’re feeling when crushing. Pro tip: be brutally honest with yourself in your journal!
10. Develop a Dating Plan: Having a dating plan that can help hold you accountable to your own values, intentions, and beliefs when crushing is a great way to come back to what felt important before the crushing experience. Sitting down and asking yourself the tough questions before you’re swept away and then having this documented to come back to is like the anchor that can ground us when we’re lost at sea.
Written by Taylor Neal
Embodied Counsellor and Trainee Sexologist